extremely loud & incredibly close

someone will look at me, like I’m looking at you, one day

I miss my mom. not just because of her love, beauty, and being, but because she was my number one fan. because she understood how I felt, because she felt the same way. my mom was depressed. but she was also an alcoholic.

every time my life gets close to better it just gets shittier. I think I want to go to therapy. I sound so emo but whatever… I just really, legitimately think no one understands me and I have no idea what to do with my life. and I keep thinking back to two years ago, how it was the happiest time of my life. I just want that back. that’s all.

lohrien:

Illustrations by Stéphanie Ledoux

I’m looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find

everything about my life is great:

this semester my grades have raised considerably.

I joined the club lax team.

I have so many great friends.

I find out in two days if I become an orientation advisor.

I have a job.

I’m going to miami in 8 days.

guys have shown me how much they care for me.

I’ve lost a lot of weight.

and here I lie at night, thinking about ~~my whole life.~~ you.

so this is to put these memories to rest…because it is unlikely I will ever fall asleep if I don’t have some place to remember them, if I ever find that necessary again (which I hope I do not).

I really am satisfied with my life, and I really am moving on. which is something I never thought I would say with an honest ring to it.

It’s been at least another year
And still I haven’t got the chance to say
Always rolling off the tongue
Never said but nearly sung about a million ways

Every photograph and story
Trickled through the lengthy web of friends
I overthought but understood
Distant look but looking good
And not the other way

But you fail to remember
But you fail to remember

Do I still cross your mind?
Your face still distorts the time

Do I still cross your mind?
Your face still distorts the time

With heat struck afternoons long through
Those idle dreams go back to you
Was this only in my head
Just like most things go misread
When overthought

you fail to remember this:

the first time you talked to me, was in geometry, freshman year. you said “you have the same phone as my ex”. I used to stare at you a lot in that class. your hair was ugly, but it was perfect for the time period. you sat behind me. you were in my advanced english and biology class too. every morning you would say how easy biology is and how senior year you would take ap bio, just like your sister who had a 98 in the class. in english class you made me laugh every day. you would call me megs, because our teacher called me that and it made you laugh every time she said it. I always thought you were cute but the day I can identify first feeling something for you was when you complimented me on my earrings. you had noticed how I had worn them a few weeks ago. you compared them to my white smile. I can remember exactly how happy I was that day. but at that point in time, we had separate lives. the only thing that connected me to you was the fact that I was talking to one of your friends on the baseball team, and you liked to tease me about him. sophomore year, I was dismayed when we only had one class together. but it was the absolute best way to start out my mornings. I spent every single morning with you in high school, as I have pointed out to you before. I wonder what the probability is that two students could have the exact same A period four years in a row? I was on the same team as your sister for polar bear lacrosse and we played the same position. we would sub for each other. and sometimes I would see you at a game. I hoped you watched me. nothing else particularly stands out to me for that year. you were busy with another girl, I thought you were a lost cause. and I had some interesting relationships to work out myself. and then junior year came along, the best year. we only had pre calculus together, but it was so much better than advanced world history. you were my partner twice. we worked so well together. I brought my pre-calc binder to college to help me with calculus and found some of the papers that we did together. on one of our partner quizzes you wrote your nickname and my nickname, megs, together. it was cute looking. you always told me how smart I was. you would make me laugh. and you would tell me things about your life, always talking about your weekend and asking about mine. and then finally, the day I had been waiting for, arrived. I had a party at my neighbor’s house before speed street and you came, a complete surprise to me. I can remember us sitting and talking at their table…with [e]. you asked me for my number and I was so completely thrilled. my life was really on track at that point. I find it funny that you got [e]’s number too, but only because you felt bad that you had asked for mine in front of her. I got really drunk that evening, and you were my bathroom escort. you guarded the door for me. you texted me that night saying you wanted to hang out, but I couldn’t because my friends were over. you told me there would be plenty of other opportunities. over the summer you texted me saying how there was a girl in your anatomy camp that looked just like me. in later years I realized that meant you were thinking of me, or just wanted an excuse to talk to me. I thought it was so funny that you were in anatomy camp. I will always love how you’re a complete nerd. then senior year, I began babysitting for Mrs. G. she would always ask about you, and you always wanted to see pictures of her baby. in october, I saw you at the halloween party. we took our first and last picture of just us together. I kissed you for the first time when you left, on the neck. when the party got busted, of the 4 texts I received asking if I was okay, you were one of them. you were concerned about me. we had two classes together (at this point). you would always flirt with me in ap statistics and honors calculus. we both took AP bio. I was sad you weren’t in my class. I dropped AP bio. so did you eventually. in November you drunk texted me, acknowledging for the first time that you wanted me. I set up the senior quotes page and you constantly texted me about what yours could be. you texted me when I was babysitting, and talked about how beautiful our kids would be. I asked you what your favorite thing about me was, and you said my beautiful smile. I’ve already talked about on here about how the december of 2010 was the best month of my life. then in january I found out you were having sex with [e]. and I kicked a bathroom door at our church league game, in the middle of the game. and I drove home crying. and I took hydro on my 18th birthday, so I could feel like you. and then you came back in April. and then June. and July. and August. and September.

I know you loved me. and I will continue to love you in a way. it’s okay that it didn’t last. because now I know how I will feel one day when it’s meant to be.

love always,

megs

Hanging in the space you left inside me

This is the longest I’ve ever cared about a person. But I can’t do it anymore. It really isn’t fair to me. I keep giving myself these hopeless goals that I keep thinking will be easier to reach, but they aren’t, and they never will be.

To [A], for the last time,
As far as I’m concerned, everyone at Richmond thinks I’m beautiful, crazy, smart, funny, and creative. I don’t understand why for these past eleven months I have felt like I needed you to reassure me that I possess these qualities. I don’t need you. And tears sting my eyes as I type that, but it’s true, I don’t. I don’t think you need me either, you don’t really need anyone since you deserve no one for how you have treated me. You deserve no more chances. Every time you have gone wrong I have thought of the best moments with you instead of the worst. This is not to say that I didn’t love the best moments, this is not to say that you didn’t love me in these moments. In fact, I know you loved me then and that’s what makes this so difficult to do. Well, that, and the fact that whenever you mess up you always find me at the most vulnerable moment and pick me back up into you. But that’s over. I won’t forget the times I felt like I was in love with you. And I won’t forget crying when I didn’t want to go to my senior prom because you didn’t ask me. Or the time I cried my eyes out because you had been having sex with me and multiple other girls without any of us knowing. Or the times you sat behind me during a lacrosse game talking to other girls. Or when you made out with Erin right in front of me, twice. Or when I didn’t have birthday sex, but you did. Or when some girl referred to me as your “bitch from Richmond” and I pretended not to hear. Or when I was crying alone in a crowd of people because you lied to me. It’s the absolute worst that I would have been okay with all of that, if you had not come back every single time. Why would you do that? I will never know. But it’s not okay. And just because you resent your parents for all of the crap they have put you through does not mean you should torture another human being through your same misery. You’re really a wonderful person somewhere deep down; the person who’s favorite tv show is 60 minutes and loves his sister more than any girl in the world and cares enough about the difference between your and you’re. It’s there. You just have to let it go. You’ll bring success wherever you go if you change your perspective.
I carry your heart with me
[I carry it in my heart]
Love, Megs

Public service announcement:

My roommate is actually the biggest bitch in the entire world. And if [a] comes, god help her, cause were going to fuck so much all night shell regret being such a cunt

and I’ve done all I can to stand on the steps with my heart in my hand

what an interesting past few weeks. I feel like I updated this a little earlier on in college but I guess not. the first weeks of college were perfect. and then last weekend I had a crash.
sometimes it’s difficult to remember how blessed I am to be here, at this institution getting all of these opportunities. especially when some things become so unfair.
things are over with [a]. I’m pretty sure this time it’s for real. and I don’t know how to handle that at all. I go between crying, thinking of everything great that has come about because of it. and crying because of all the shit I have gone through. and being pissed about all of the shit I have gone through. and then just wanting to move on. and then crying about not being able to move on. and so on and so forth.
but right now, all I can think about is what exactly happiness is. happiness is temporary, though you can remember it forever. success is determined by whether you let happiness be a final deal, only happening sporadically in your life. success takes all of the shit times in your life and builds them into motivation to find happiness again. and success is when you decide happiness can come about in your life more than just once.
so this past weekend when I was crying in a corner of the venue for dayglow in DC, there was really nothing that could make my situation worse. I had lost any sense of motivation to go to school on monday. my bank account was totally drained. I didn’t want to ever be with any other guy again. and I hated [a] for making me feel that way, and still wanting to see him regardless.
I’ve come to the realization that love is not happiness. it can produce a lot of happiness. but what makes it great is all of the struggles behind it that lead to success in a relationship. I ask a lot from my dad, in return he asks for little. because he loves me. it’s a struggle to be with me, but me willing to do as much as I can in return makes all the difference.
I was too willing to give everything just for temporary happiness. and I would do anything without a return if the means weren’t there.
but they are.
and I am so much better. I am beautiful, I have the world ahead of me, and what I can’t do I can overcome.
so here is to the next few days, where I learn how to let go. and where I determine my future success. not anyone else, just me.

and here is the greatest picture ever taken to describe a roommate friendship. I was so right sarah is awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjcDVdi_dxUlove, luck, and lollipops,megz
PS-I will be updating this more often since I got a tumblr app for my iPAD yippee!

freeindie:

Beautiful music. Smells good too.

you feel it all around

this is what I’m doing right now. but I can’t help myself from getting distracted because I keep thinking about different stuff from throughout my life. for example, when I go to college am I going to bring the cookie my best friend made for me in 5th grade art class that I usually keep on my desk?

this past week has been interesting, it’s made me more in touch with my emotions and wants I suppose. it’s made me understand what it’s like to let go. I just can’t handle myself when I think of how old I am now, and how I can only grow older. all I’ve wanted throughout high school was to go to college to do my own thing, but when you get what you want sometimes it’s not as great as expected. even picking out what non perishables I bring makes me sad thinking about the stuff I used to eat when I was little or just the food I ate growing up. I don’t want to let go of all that.

I don’t know where I’m going in life anymore. I say that like I used to know, but I didn’t. I’m too afraid to ask questions, because I’m terrified of the answers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQ7UrrkqQ7A

love is watching someone die.

I’ve got my dorm assignment. I’m a big girl now. I can’t sleep.

it’s 3 am and I just want to sleep. but I keep thinking about everything. all the people in my life. all the people who aren’t all the people who left and all those to come. I just made my schedule today. I can’t make my mind up about the people in my life. even my best friends aren’t the same. and I can’t decide whether I should be the person I am, or if I should go about pretending to be okay with things like I used to.

am I a nice person?

[Imissyoua]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TL9o1gqHzE4

I want this to end. <3

wish I could takes your eyes, so blue, my second favorite part of you.

the december of 2010 was the december of my life. I wish everything stood still and that month stayed the same forever. forever on repeat like a song you can’t get out of your head.

~~DECEMBER~~

2- my mother turned 52 and i called her and wished her a happy birthday, for the first time in five years.

3- charlotte catholic cougars played springfield crest in football at home. [a] held me close the whole game. he told me he was sorry in advance for kissing me when we won. we didn’t. it was my last high school football game ever. i cried.

7-we had off from school the next day for the immaculate conception of the blessed virgin mother mary. charlotte catholic played ardrey kell in basketball, the girls won, the boys lost. i had at least 5 shots. [a] stayed with me the whole game. he kissed me for the first time. [e] saw. i went home and made gingerbread houses with [mmacg].

11- [a] and i met up at southpark. we hooked up in his dad’s car. i told my dad he made me dinner.

13-i studied in the library for calculus and anatomy. [a] and i sat in a corner, he really helped me study. i got an 83 he got a 70.

14-i went to [a]s after anatomy. we sat and watched espn classics. we snuggled under a blanket. he told me about himself. [g] called me and asked me to study econ. i told her i was busy. we had sex for the first time. i laughed a lot. i was so happy.

15-i get accepted to the university of richmond. [g] is with me in the kitchen. [a] tells me how proud he is of me.

16-i fail my stats exam.

17-emma’s gingerbread party. everyone was jealous.

18-we have sex again.

19-[s]s birthday party as tradition. [jm] tells me about selling drugs to [a]. i cry in the bathroom. [g] has never seen me so upset.

20-i go to a sleepover at [g]s house. [mmac] are there and i take 13 shots, still so sad about [jm]. i throw up my birth control.

21- i spend the morning hanging out at [g]s for the last normal time ever. john lacey died the night before.

23- i go to [g]s with emma and bring starbucks for the whole family. no one knows how to act.

24- i go to john lacey’s funeral. i cried my eyes out. then i go to christmas mass with dad. i count the ceiling tiles. [d] texts me all day, i don’t miss him.

25- [a] wants to have sex in the afternoon. i can’t. i am mad, i don’t feel like it’s christmas. i go to dinner with my dad.

27- [mere] comes to visit. i leave her with [p] while i go hook up with [a].

31-i beg and plead with [g] to come out on new years. she doesn’t. i hang out in the cold uptown with [mere] and [c]. [a] is at a different party. he is one of the two people to wish me a happy new years. i wanted to be with him.

i lost one of my best friends after december. and i found the best in me that month.

and now today, july 14th, i lay on my playroom floor. i go to college in a month and two days.

[g] has come and gone. it’s okay.

but [a], i can’t get rid of him. i can’t stay mad. i can’t stay happy. miserable is consistent. it would be okay if he didn’t want me ever. really. but that’s not true.

i don’t know what kind of person i am anymore. if i make it stop, will i be happy? will it slip away from me? will i realize that i was making a mistake? or would it be a mistake to let go?

instead of making decisions about things that will hurt me regardless, I go back to december.