wish I could takes your eyes, so blue, my second favorite part of you.
the december of 2010 was the december of my life. I wish everything stood still and that month stayed the same forever. forever on repeat like a song you can’t get out of your head.
2- my mother turned 52 and i called her and wished her a happy birthday, for the first time in five years.
3- charlotte catholic cougars played springfield crest in football at home. [a] held me close the whole game. he told me he was sorry in advance for kissing me when we won. we didn’t. it was my last high school football game ever. i cried.
7-we had off from school the next day for the immaculate conception of the blessed virgin mother mary. charlotte catholic played ardrey kell in basketball, the girls won, the boys lost. i had at least 5 shots. [a] stayed with me the whole game. he kissed me for the first time. [e] saw. i went home and made gingerbread houses with [mmacg].
11- [a] and i met up at southpark. we hooked up in his dad’s car. i told my dad he made me dinner.
13-i studied in the library for calculus and anatomy. [a] and i sat in a corner, he really helped me study. i got an 83 he got a 70.
14-i went to [a]s after anatomy. we sat and watched espn classics. we snuggled under a blanket. he told me about himself. [g] called me and asked me to study econ. i told her i was busy. we had sex for the first time. i laughed a lot. i was so happy.
15-i get accepted to the university of richmond. [g] is with me in the kitchen. [a] tells me how proud he is of me.
16-i fail my stats exam.
17-emma’s gingerbread party. everyone was jealous.
18-we have sex again.
19-[s]s birthday party as tradition. [jm] tells me about selling drugs to [a]. i cry in the bathroom. [g] has never seen me so upset.
20-i go to a sleepover at [g]s house. [mmac] are there and i take 13 shots, still so sad about [jm]. i throw up my birth control.
21- i spend the morning hanging out at [g]s for the last normal time ever. john lacey died the night before.
23- i go to [g]s with emma and bring starbucks for the whole family. no one knows how to act.
24- i go to john lacey’s funeral. i cried my eyes out. then i go to christmas mass with dad. i count the ceiling tiles. [d] texts me all day, i don’t miss him.
25- [a] wants to have sex in the afternoon. i can’t. i am mad, i don’t feel like it’s christmas. i go to dinner with my dad.
27- [mere] comes to visit. i leave her with [p] while i go hook up with [a].
31-i beg and plead with [g] to come out on new years. she doesn’t. i hang out in the cold uptown with [mere] and [c]. [a] is at a different party. he is one of the two people to wish me a happy new years. i wanted to be with him.
i lost one of my best friends after december. and i found the best in me that month.
and now today, july 14th, i lay on my playroom floor. i go to college in a month and two days.
[g] has come and gone. it’s okay.
but [a], i can’t get rid of him. i can’t stay mad. i can’t stay happy. miserable is consistent. it would be okay if he didn’t want me ever. really. but that’s not true.
i don’t know what kind of person i am anymore. if i make it stop, will i be happy? will it slip away from me? will i realize that i was making a mistake? or would it be a mistake to let go?
instead of making decisions about things that will hurt me regardless, I go back to december.